thoughtful thursdays

i am so deeply happy content right now. (happiness doesn’t quite capture the sentiment.)

lest i be accused of vague-posting, it concerns all the work that i've done during the last ten-ish years.

work means both career-building and personal-life-building.

career-building means my bachelor's degree, paralegal certificate, and the financial crimes career that arrived in late 2013. opportunities have evolved beyond my imagination as i've been challenged in a variety of endeavors that feed the perpetual student living inside of me.

personal-life-building means therapy and learning life-skillz. it means dating and learning what i want (but not before i learned what i don't want, which was a painful and repetitious process). it means developing an exercise routine that's kept me migraine-free for the past six months. more than those things, it's about being able to experience life as fully as possible by way of seeing the wide world, and touching and tasting it. it's new york city and sweden and destinations yet to be determined.

i did a fair amount of work to get here, but i recognize that my opportunities have been plentiful; i'm not short on gratitude for those doors that were opened for me and for the others that i persistently knocked on over and over until they opened.

it all means that it's possible for me to work a 10 hour day and have energy left over for myself . i am terribly grateful to make it to my forties and to be ... happy, content, hopeful, independent. there were certainly points over the last decade where i was depressed, anxious, and/or envious of other people's lives.  now i envy my life--which i suppose isn't envy at all, but enjoyment. it's not perfect, but i'm building something that i'm pretty damn proud of.

song of the day...

a divorced woman's guide to wanderlust

i confess to being intimidated by the prospect of exploring this great big world as a singular figure of the female persuasion. nonetheless, the past year is showing me new ways of getting out and of figuring it out in such a way as to keep myself safe; i try to limit the parental stress my adventures have a tendency to induce. maybe for you these concerns seem archaic and underwhelming. if that is the case, i wouldn't mind possessing some of that superpower you're tucking under your arm.

last month i went to sweden. it's the farthest i've gone since getting divorced and it was fine. my friend met me at the airport and welcomed me into her cozy home with visiting family to boot. and it was more than fine. from that experience i learned that not only can i travel by myself, but that i weather challenges with ease. i also know how much i appreciated being able to come "home" at the end of a day's wanderings and enjoy the comfort of a houseful of (old and new) friends. were my travels entirely solitary, a week is an awfully long time to go without meaningful conversation. i think i can tolerate about a day or two before i start to itch; i blame the extroverted introvert within.

consequently, i'm actively pursuing opportunities to travel with friends (or a friend). up next: a three-ish day whale-watching expedition out of montauk with one of my dearest friends. after that? who knows. my sis, brother-in-law, and i want to head to england, france, and ireland. i'm brushing up on my french with the duolingo app, and i'm trying to keep swedish in the mix as well. it's going to be a couple of years before the family trip happens, so i'll look to go to places where i know someone in the meantime.

reader, are you a solo traveler? what's your story? what works/doesn't work for you? if you see this and care to share some thoughts, please do!

taken at göteborgs botaniska trädgård

peek-a-boo

good lord i miss sweden. it's been nearly two weeks, one trip to IKEA, and countless photographic tours since i was there. i sit at my kitchen table (an IKEA purchase made nearly three years ago) listening to bo sundström fill the air with svensk jazz and plot my return, as well as my future endeavors.

actually, i don't. i don't because i'm writing this blog; i'm sending out a message into the stratosphere for everyone and for no one. also, it's been about two weeks since the book of faces left my daily browsing radar and i haven't been gripped with fomo. that's a relief. it means i have time to listen to music and take several seconds to watch my cat's ribs expand and contract with his breath (which i just did). it means i don't have to spend any time trying to curate my newsfeed into something the least bit relevant by reducing the ire that was making my eyes cross almost every day. maybe you can tolerate it, but i think i just gave up. between that one episode of black mirror, dave eggers' the circle (the book version--skip the film), and the weird timing of the  cambridge anayltica news, i was ready. anyhow, it feels good to have turned that corner, if only because my mind often feels so crowded by random thoughts.

at any rate, it's sunday evening. i'm trying to wind down in preparation for a full week at work, so this is all i've got in me for now.